


maybe if I believed

by wishingonly (wendlaswound)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Modern AU, Tumblr request, can be a shippy thing if you want, non magic, song prompt, the formatting is weird im sorry, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:57:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendlaswound/pseuds/wishingonly
Summary: Despite his true desires, Sirius always ends up alone. He can never do anything right, never be someone to anyone, anyway. Well, or so he thought.~Inspired by the song Love Stuck by Mother Mother.Modern AU.





	maybe if I believed

**Author's Note:**

> This is a modern AU; James is captain of the crew team; I haven’t written a whole lot of HP fanfics (but the Mauraders are my fav) and I am not a walking index of all the minor details of the books, so it’s not gonna be perfect (also why it is a modern AU); Sirius is just kind of a mess but I love him okay this was fun  
> ((yes I borrowed a line from Next to Normal its FINE))

_My feelings ran away_

_I didn’t know how to treat them_

_Maybe if I believed them they’d have stayed_

_I hope they’re somewhere safe_

_Living in a daydream_

_Singing to a song I couldn’t play_

* * *

 

Sirius was a known misconception.

Everyone believed him to be quiet. Cold. Cruel. Faulty.

Sometimes worse things.

And for all he knew, they were true. Even if he couldn’t see them in himself.

Well, he couldn’t really see anything. As far as he was concerned, he floated through each day, his fingers grazing by the walls, never leaving an indent. His head always ached and he couldn’t tell if he was feeling too much or nothing at all. Sometimes he didn’t know which would be better.

School was a dread, because it was where everyone else was, where everything could go right or wrong depending on how Sirius walked or talked or looked at people or participated or didn’t and it was too much. There was nothing there that he really cared about, only spite and bitterness kept him motivated.

His biggest problem – or secret – was that he didn’t like that dread. He didn’t like not mattering and not having anything that mattered. When he met laughing pairs of friends in the hallway and scowled and looked down, it wasn’t because he despised them.

It was envy. Or hope. Or loneliness. Or all three.

He wanted that. But his head was more hesitant than his heart was eager. He threw himself out and pulled himself back and he couldn’t find a happy medium that didn’t rip him to shreds every single moment of his life.

And quite frankly, he was too tired to put the pieces back together.

* * *

 

“What are you looking at?” a senior boy snarled at him as he passed by Sirius, who's mind had wandered away from reading his physics book and onto staring into the air. It just so happened that his blank gaze at fixed on the pack of boys as they walked by his bench, and they had noticed him staring.

Sirius flinched once he realized that the boy was actually speaking to him and not someone else; he was so rarely used to being taken notice of, especially when he was putting no effort into it, that he first could only register surprise. His lips fumbled going to defend himself, and he stuttered out only a few half syllables.

The other boys in the pack snickered. The senior’s snarl turned cold. So did Sirius’ finger tips. Despite everyone’s thoughts and speculations, he had never actually been in a fight.

Looks like that might change sooner rather than later.

Sirius had no response, so he swallowed the air in his throat and looked back down at his book, hoping maybe he could avoid this if he just played dumb. He’d done that before, though not in any kind of similar situation. Resorting to the “ignore them and they’ll ignore you” tactic was often conflicting with Sirius hidden desire to be recognized and wanted, but he let himself this one time.

His hands started shaking so he clenched them tighter.

“Hey,” the senior called again, his heavy footsteps approaching Sirius quickly, much quicker than he would have liked. “I’m talking to you, you – “ Sirius slammed his book closed and threw his hand up as he felt the boy, now right in front of him, rear back his fist.

Sirius braced himself for the impact, unable in words or actions to do any more than cover his face. He always froze, always, _always_ , he couldn’t express himself at all, he was no one, he deserved to get beaten up, this was fine, this was exactly where he was supposed to be, why defend himself now when he wasn’t even worth it, why –

“Hey, Davies!” someone shouted, stopping the senior’s – Davies’ - fist from connecting with Sirius’ face. Both of them turned to see this new kid, and Davies fell away from serious, plastering an unsuspecting grin on his face.

“Potter! What are you doing here?”

Sirius watched as Potter came to meet Davies, so that they were both right in front of him. Potter, _James_ Potter, Sirius now remembered, spared him a questioning glance, the smallest tilt of the head, before turning back to Davies.

“Interrupting something, apparently,” James laughed, and so did Davies, but nervously.

“Not at all, Potter. Not at all.”

“Really? Then why did it look like you were about to knock out that fellow over there?”

“What? I –“

“Don’t act stupid, Davies, though I know it’s only a half act.”

Davies, easily half a foot taller and 50 pounds more built than James, looked small under his stare. Sirius was too scared and captivated to try to move away.

“Well, I – “

“You know the tolerance I and all the others have for idiots and impetuosity, and how willing I am as captain to replace those traits for something actually beneficial to the crew.”

Davies gulped. All he could say was, “Yes.”

“Alright,” James smiled brightly, clapped Davies on the shoulder, who was now pale and shaken. “Good talk.”

James was approaching him and Sirius didn’t even realize it until he stopped in front of him, smiling. “Walk with me to History, Sirius?”

Sirius hadn’t planned on going to class at all that day, but even if he couldn’t open his mouth or even nod his head to respond, he could recognize an escape. And that’s what James was giving him.

He followed without a word.

When they were out of the courtyard and in the empty hall, James stopped him with a hand on his arm.

Before he could say anything, Sirius blurted out, “How do you know my name?”

It came out far more defensive than he intended, and he cringed, instantly ashamed.

James didn’t look mad, however, merely taken aback, which settled into puzzled.

“We’ve gone to school together for three years?”

Sirius said nothing.

“… I sit behind you in five classes?”

“Still,” Sirius said. “It’s a bit weird that you know?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes, because even his didn’t know. His heart jostled around in his chest as his brain scrambled for his next mode of action.

“Well,” he said after a moment. “Thanks for… that.”

“No problem. Why was he screwing with you?”

“Why does anyone? Why are you helping me?” Sirius turned away, planning to leave, thinking it ended there. He just wanted to get back to his book and away from people.

But James grabbed his arm again. “Because I wanted to. Seriously, do you think everyone is against you?”

Sirius’ mouth shook as it searched for a reply. The one that came out was the least ideal. “It’s never seemed like anyone is with me.”

James jaw settled and his brow softened out of his confusion.

“Well, now someone is.”

Sirius scoffed. “And why would you do that?”

“Because I want to.”

“Because you want to add one more follower to your throng of adoring fans.”

James legitimately looked like he had no idea what he had gotten into, though he gave Sirius a sheepish smile. “I can’t help it that everyone loves me.”

To his own surprise, Sirius rolled his eyes without even an ounce of revulsion. He might have even smiled, just a bit. But he wasn’t sure.

The bell rang, and the other students spilled out into the hallway. Sirius was overwhelmed, as always, but James’ hand on his arm seemed to steady him.

James shrugged. “Were you actually planning on going to class?”

Sirius grinned, and shook his head. He couldn’t have expected the one James gave him in return.

“Fine with me. Come on,” James gestured for Sirius to follow him, which he did, with only the slightest falter in his step.

For once his heart outweighed his head.

* * *

  
Sirius didn’t know what he would have done without James. James pulled him out of his head, allowed the truth out of him, allowed him to actually _feel_ instead of hide. And it was like he didn’t even try. They just fit.

            And it was more than enough. More than Sirius had hoped for. More than he needed.

            He still feared that _he_ wasn’t enough, that he didn’t know how to talk and charm and smile like James, that he couldn’t say what he meant or how he felt.

            But with James it was okay. James didn’t care if Sirius didn’t say a word for a week because he couldn’t find the right ones. He didn’t care that Sirius would usually follow James when he didn’t know what to do.

            And remarkably, James didn’t even take advantage of this. He made sure Sirius knew what he was doing, knew what he could do.

            Sirius had never been welcome somewhere, or grateful to someone. Only James.

            It was something he had no words for. It was something he could only feel.

            It was when James picked him up when his parents kicked him out, when James didn’t say a word as Sirius sobbed the whole way to James’ house and had no explanation. James never asked for one.

            It was when James took his hand, even while he was driving, and didn’t let go until they had stopped.

            It was when he didn’t need to say anything for James to understand him completely and without any judgment.

            It was the closest thing to love Sirius had ever known.


End file.
